Protect what’s important to you

The drunken mind tends to have a strong desire to protect any remaining alcohol at all costs, as anyone who has woken up hungover and found half a beer safely stored in the fridge will know.

A woman in America was recently pulled over for running a red light and swerving back and forth over the middle of a highway. Sure enough the woman was drunk, but as she explained to the police, she ‘never had a license. And was running out of gas’. Even if that explained the erratic driving, it probably didn’t explain why the woman smelt like booze or had two pipes in her purse.

She was also charged for child endangerment, as she had a baby girl not wearing a seatbelt on a rear seat. Please don’t judge this woman as a neglectful mother – she remembered to put a seatbelt on the carton of beer she had in the front seat.

Original news article at First Coast News

Taking ‘ride it’ way too literally

Some people love bikes, as cleaners at a hostel recently found when they entered the room of Robert Stewart and found him having sex with his bike. I’m not even sure how that’s possible, but the police were notified and Robert ended with three years probation and earned a place on the sex offenders list. Not that I’m in to that sort of thing, but I think that sounds a little harsh. After all, if you’re in a room having sex with your bike then you’re not out on the street stalking people.

Click here to read the rest of the story, including a quote from a human rights expert who says that “this case should not prevent people who want to engage in this sort of activity doing so”.  Just in case you were wondering.

The Moleman Prophecies

Bruce Tracy is a strange little man. Not only does he have a girls name as 
a surname, he was recently found living in a 18sqm underground home with 
several rooms. Police in Fresno, Orlando found the hidden entrance and were
surprised to find the home complete with bed, kitchen and escape hatch.

Bruce claims the home took about 2 months to build using only a shovel
and a few other simple tools.

Sadly, as is always the case when people in authority find someone doing
 something fun, Bruce has been asked to move and his home will be
demolished as it is claimed to be dangerous.

Read the full story over at Orlando’s Local 6

The Fuel Crisis

I’ve finally solved it.

We’re using too much petrol because we’re driving everywhere. The solution is to replace all of the main roads with giant conveyor belts. You drive on to them, turn your car off and let them take you to your destination. If you need to get off, you just turn your car on and drive off.

As an added bonus the streets which aren’t conveyor belts will be made so that they are all downhill. You simply coast down them without having to start your car.

Some people may point out that the giant conveyor belts will need power. Not to worry, we get everyone who is overweight and sit them on exercise bikes which are connected to the belts. As they pedal the belts turn round. Eventually the overweight people lose weight, so I’ve also just solved the obesity epidemic.

Is that a condom in your hair or are you just happy to see me?

I never really spare a thought for where condoms end up after I’ve used them and then thrown them at the wall. Perhaps we should start recycling them. Personally I’d  be happy to wash and reuse them, but the Chinese have a
different solution - recycle them into hair bands.

They’re cheap and colourful and are selling well. The only problem is that they could still contain AIDS, warts or other diseases.

From this day on I am going to stop chewing on hair bands.

more info here

Roses are red…

Giving your significant other a rose is really quite symbolic. You’re paying way too much for something that exists naturally, and soon after it withers up and dies.

Ridiculous Laws

I always love reading ridiculous laws, and UKTV Gold has recently asked about 4,000 people to choose what they consider the most ridiculous from a list of ludicrous laws.

From the United Kingdom:

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament
2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen’s image upside-down
3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store
4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned
5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter
6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman’s helmet
7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen
8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing
9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour
10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow

Outside of the UK, these strange laws ranked highly:

In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk
In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation
A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror
In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm
It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama
In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed
Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth
In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits
In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon

All laws courtesy of BBC News

Amazon launch DRM free music

I love having thousands of songs on my computer, where I can flick between albums, artists and tracks within seconds,
or quickly change the playlist on my ipod or burn off a cd for the car. DRM, or digital rights management is often applied to music which you download from an online store or service. Why does this matter to you? Because you’ve paid for digital copy of a song or album and there are restrictions on what you can do with it. For example, you might not be able to burn it to a cd. You might not be able to transfer it to another computer you own, or if you get a new computer.

There is a strong movement for cheap DRM-free music. There are serveral such services avaliable, and Amazon a large and powerufl addition to the DRM-free movement. They have just launched a public beta called Amazon MP3 with over two million songs for download for either 89c or 99c US, or albums from $5.99 to $9.99 US. The quality of the mp3s isn’t too shabby either at 256Kbps, more than enough for most peoples requirements. Because these tracks are all DRM-free you are able to do whatever you want with them (within the boundaries of copywrite law, of course).

On another unrelated note I saw Clockwork Orange last night. That movie is messed up.

only on YouTube…

If there is one thing that you don’t see enough of on the internet it’s people pissing on dying people. A 27 year old British man has been charged with relieving his bladder in a public street. While I’m sure there are a great number of people who have done that at least once, few of them can say there was a dying woman lying in front of them.

50 year old Christine Lakinski who had collapsed on the street was urinated on, covered in shaving cream and then had a bucket of water tipped on her by the man, who was heard to yell “This is YouTube material”. She died of pancreatic failure shortly after. Of course this was all recorded on a mobile phone.

You can read the USAToday article here. 
There is probably also a video on the net somewhere, but I’ll be dammed if I’m going to look for it.

Mmm, delicious room-mates

They say there’s nothing more tender than baby meat, but anyone who has tried to get some knows that babies don’t just pop out of nowhere.  The next best thing would have to be eating your room-mate. And that’s just what a 19 year old guy has done. Kids these days…

Delicious link here, courtsy of metro.co.uk

A teenager claims to have killed his room-mate then eaten parts of his brain and internal organs.

The 19-year-old, named only as Robert A, has confessed to murdering the 49-year-old man he met in a homeless shelter, it was reported.

Robert crushed his room-mate’s skull with a 9kg iron bar before using a butcher’s knife to remove his intestines. Officers found the body lying in a pool of blood, with body parts spread around the room and half-eaten on a plate in the kitchen.

The murder was discovered yesterday when a cleaner went into the shelter. Robert allegedly told her about the murder and asked her to contact the police, according to The Times.

The man, known as Joseph S, is thought to have been killed about three days ago and his body was found at the ground-floor, two-bedroom flat in Vienna where the two men lived alone.

A police investigator said: “We are supposed to be prepared for situations like this, but this surpasses the limits of imagination.”

Robert was placed at the shelter, which was set up to provide accommodation for mentally ill people living on the street, this month. His room-mate was registered there since June.