Normal people beware

Current mood: peaceful

Red hair is a mutation.

This is a fact.

Therefore, natural redheads are much like Xmen. Only, they’re less cool and have no superpowers (Although, they do have a tendency to wear their underwear on the outside).

Have you ever noticed that when two redheaded mutant people meet for the first time, that they seem to have an instant bond?

And that there usually aren’t any more than two redheads per peer group?

My conspiracy theory is this:

Redhead mutants are out for world domination.

Their plan so far has been to infiltrate as many socially active peer groups as possible and corssbreed with normal people (somewhat like myself). They’re multiplying at redheaded speed.

To the normal people of the world:

Take caution.

They’re organised and have a vengeance.

I think Al Gore would agree with me when I say that redheads are perhaps the greatest threat to our society today.

Websites to visit

There are a handful of websites I check on a daily basis, and some which I check less frequently but are still priceless. The fantastic mountain of crap that is the internet occasionally has some diamonds buried deep within.

The latest I’ve found is a website called Men are better than women. We all know that its true, so there’s really no need to waste time with claims of sexism and so forth. It’s funny, well written and knocks the shit out of women in every post. I found out about this site from another blog that I check frequently, Violent Acres. If Men are better than women is a site where a guy bitches about women, Violent Acres is a site where a woman bitches about EVERYTHING. But she writes well, and it’s usually funny or at least meaningful so I forgive her. Check out her most popular posts, in particular ‘most people are depressed for a very good reason‘. Who knows, you just might learn something.

Another infamous character online who bitches about everything is Maddox. Maddox is totally hilarious, but has barely posted in the last few years and those few posts are utter crap compared to his older stuff. The old posts are all still available though, so dig back and get reading.

If you like drunken womanizers (and who doesn’t?) then Tucker Max is for you. Regularly getting smashed beyond all hope of return, Tucker recounts his drunken escapades for us to laugh at, and in my case relate to.

For anyone who’s in to console games, Ctrl-Alt-Del is a webcomic which posts a few times a week. Hell, even if you’re not into games theres still a whole heap of humour which you’ll get. The only other webcomic that I’ve got into is the Perry Bible Fellowship – don’t let the name fool you, there’s nothing religious about it. Unless your religion is fucked up randomness.

For daily humour head over to Something Awful, which is sometimes so messed up that words fail to describe it. Not that I have a great number of words in my vocabulary anyway. I’ve also started reading Cracked, which sometimes has funny posts.

For news which doesn’t let the truth get in the way of a good story, see The Onion.

And if you’re ever bored and on the net, there’s always Digg, the social news site. People post stories and then other people either ‘digg’ or ‘bury’ them. The most popular stories reach the front page. There’s usually lots of comments and discussion on each story as well, so you can get alternate views. If you’ve ever used Wikipedia (and you should have, it’s a great resource) have a look at Uncyclopedia, the ‘content free encyclopedia. It’s an encyclopedia with totally random and ridiculous ‘information’ about a huge range of topics.

Alright, I think thats enough for now. Get reading!

101 Greatest Simpsons Quotes

BlogZarro has just posted 101 of the greatest Simpsons quotes. Check them all out at: http://blogzarro.com/?p=223

Some of my favorites are below:

   5. Troy McClure: Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!
   7. Homer: Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!
   10. Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.
  11. Sideshow Bob: I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.
  12. Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.
  14. Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*
  15. Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”
  17. Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
  18. Homer: Save me, Jeebus.
  19. Mayor Quimby: I stand by my racial slur.
  22. Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer?
  23. Homer: Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
  24. Homer: Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
  27. Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.
  29. Homer: You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity.
  32. Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
  33. Homer: Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems.
  34. Homer: When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
  35. Chief Wiggum: I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
  39. Grandpa Simpson: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
  42. Homer: A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.
  43. Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
  46. Kent Brockman: …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
  48. Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.
  57. Superintendent Chalmers: I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children…
  71. Principal Skinner: That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.
  74. Superintendent Chalmers: “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.
  75. Mr. Burns: [answering the phone] Ahoy hoy?
  78. Homer: What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
  80. Bill Gates: I didn’t get rich by signing checks.
  82. Homer: Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.
  88. Dr. Nick: Inflammable means flammable? What a country.
  89. Homer: Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.
  95. Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
  96. Apu: Thank you, steal again.
  97. Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
  98. Ed Begley Jr.: I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.
 100. Homer: How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
 101. Homer: Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

Oh, and apparently I have found some kind of temporary sanity.

It’s sad because they’re cute…

Animal cruelty is alive and kicking as two teenage girls recently set fire to a 3 month old kitten. The kitten has had surgery twice, including the amputation of it’s tail and the tips of its ears.

The 15 year old girls who are now facing charges of animal cruelty found the cat, poured flammable liquid on it and set it alight. A witness claims the girls laughed as the cat cried.

Ok, thats all pretty messed up. What I think is more messed up is that the bill to keep the cat alive could be between $20,000 and $30,000 US. Lets just stop and think about what $30,000 could do for PEOPLE, rather than cats. But I guess starving families aren’t as cute as kittens, so screw them.

Mildly Humourous One Liners

They’re only mildly funny, but that’s what Broon is all about, baby.
Go now and read:

* Acupuncture: a jab well done.

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

* A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A -flat miner.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

* A calendar’s days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

* Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

That would explain the headache…

Ben Czislowski was struck with an eye infection and shooting pains in his head ever since bashing heads with an opposition player in a game of rugby league. 15 weeks later, a visit to his doctor revealed why – there was a tooth stuck in his head.

“I’ve got the tooth at home, sitting on the bedside table,” he said. “If he wants it back he can have it. I’m keeping it at the moment as proof that it actually happened.

This isn’t the first time a rugby league player has stolen another players tooth by smuggling it off the pitch hidden in flesh. In 2004 Shane Millard, an Australian hooker had a tooth removed from his head, and in 2002, Australian Jamie Ainscough had an arm so badly infected he was considering the possibility that it may have to be amputated – before a tooth was found embedded in it.

More info: http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22089065-2,00.html

Let the pissup begin

If anyone in the world was going to tell you that not only is drinking not bad for your health but it can actually make you smarter, it would be an Australian. Usually people would just ignore them. Because they’re Australian. But not if they’re an Australian scientist. I’ve never actually understood what you have to do to be recognized as a scientist, but from this day on I am a scientist of beerology.

Some other scientists, who are Neuroscientists rather than beerologists have conducted research which they claim shows alcohol is not as bad as previously thought. Queensland Brain Institute that new research shows drinking alcohol does not kill off brain cells – and that drinking up to four standard glasses of wine a night might be beneficial.

Professor Bartlett also says that moderate drinking “may well help to prevent things like stroke and heart disease so there may be a positive effect of moderate drinking on brain health”.

Of course, anyone who has been a beerologist for any length of time will already know that the more you drink the smarter and more attractive to the opposite sex you get.

Read more at the news article here.

Half as legless as she used to be

Following on from my article titled in poor taste, Getting Legless at an Amusement Park, I am carrot cake to report that the girl is now only half legless. They reattached one foot. Article below, link here.

LOUISVILLE, Ky. – Doctors reattached the right foot of a 13-year-old girl involved in a gruesome amusement park accident, but her left foot was too severely damaged to repair, her family and doctor said in a statement Tuesday.

Kaitlyn Lasitter of Louisville remained in stable condition at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, Tenn., Dr. Douglas Weikert, a surgeon and assistant professor at Vanderbilt, said in the statement.

“Things are progressing as expected over this first 10 days,” he said.

Lasitter’s feet were severed just above the ankles as she rode the Superman Tower of Power thrill ride at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom on June 21.

Investigators with the Kentucky Department of Agriculture said they have taken a cable they believe broke and severed Lasitter’s feet, Wilbur Frye, executive director of the department’s Office of Consumer and Environmental Protection, has said. The investigation will continue for several more weeks, Frye said.

Lasitter’s mother, Monique Lasitter, thanked the doctors, nurses and hospital staff for their work.

“We would not want her to be at any other hospital during this difficult time,” the statement said.

The state has been trying to determine what caused the cable to break. Investigators were taking written statements from witnesses, reviewing statements and analyzing physical evidence and photographs of the scene, Frye said.

The ride was last inspected April 5 and found to be operating normally, Frye said. The ride passed inspection in each of the last four years, according to records.

The ride lifts passengers 177 feet straight up, then drops them nearly the same distance at speeds reaching 54 miles per hour.

Six Flags had shut down similar rides for safety inspections at parks in St. Louis; Gurnee, Ill.; and near Washington as a safety precaution, said Wendy Goldberg, a spokeswoman for Six Flags.

Shoppers walk over dying woman

From correspondents in Wichita, Kansas

July 04, 2007 08:49am
link

SHOPPERS in a US convenience store stepped over a woman dying from
stab wounds with one stopping only to take a picture on a mobile phone.

The incident captured on surveillance video in a Kansas convenience
store on June 23 of this year shows 27-year-old LaShanda Calloway lying
bleeding after being stabbed in a robbery that she was innocently
caught up in, AP reports.

It took about two minutes for someone to call police to report the
crime while five shoppers stepped over the prone woman, police said.

After finally being attended to Ms Calloway died at a hospital from her injuries.

Police at this stage have refused to release the video, saying it is part of their investigation.

“It was tragic to watch,” police spokesman Gordon Bassham said.

“The fact that people were more interested in taking a picture with
a cell phone and shopping for snacks rather than helping this innocent
young woman is, frankly, revolting.”

“The lack of concern for humanity over this young woman’s life is deeply troubling,” Mr Bassham said.

Mr Bassham said the district attorney’s office would have to decide
whether any of the shoppers could be charged but ti was uncertain what
law, if any, would be applicable..

A state statute for failure to render aid specifically refers only to victims of a car accident.

Two suspects have been arrested in the stabbing. Cherish M McCullough, 19, has been charged with first-degree murder.

Another suspect, who turned himself in a few days later, had not yet
been charged today, according to the Sedgwick County prosecutor’s
office.

Wichita Police Chief Norman Williams told US paper, The Wichita Eagle,
which highlighted the incident after it had gained little media
coverage that the callousness on display from the shoppers was
“appalling”

“I could continue shopping and not render aid and then take time out
to take a picture? That’s crazy. What happened to our respect for
life?”

The best job ever?

Read now, if you will the below article. Brothels are legal in Victoria, but there are a growing number which are illegal. Pay particular attention to the second paragraph.

“The warning came after the Melbourne City Council last night
decided against resuming its former policy of paying private
investigators to have sex in illegal brothels, to gather evidence
of a breach of planning rules”.

Excuse me?

“paying private investigators to have sex in illegal brothels, to gather evidence of a breach of planning rules”

Where do I sign up? Why was I not told about this job when I was asked to choose a University course. Why are schools not doing more to prepare students for a future in this industry. What qualifications do you need to be a private investigator that gets to have sex? Can women apply for this job?

“No honey, I don’t feel like sex tonight, I’ve had a very busy day at work”

Illegal city brothels to escape prying eyes

 

• By Clay Lucas, City Reporter

July 4, 2007

 

Illegal city brothels will proliferate in Melbourne’s city
centre, according to the owners of legal brothels, unless the State
Government cracks down on their operators.

The warning came after the Melbourne City Council last night
decided against resuming its former policy of paying private
investigators to have sex in illegal brothels, to gather evidence
of a breach of planning rules.

Instead, Lord Mayor John So will join with the Municipal
Association of Victoria to put pressure on the State Government’s
Consumer Affairs Department to do more about illegal brothels.

Planners say illegal brothels in the city centre are
growing.

Under the 1994 Prostitution Control Act, which legalised
prostitution in Victoria, Consumer Affairs Victoria is charged with
enforcement action against illegal operators. But critics say the
department never takes action against illegal brothels.

Municipal Association of Victoria president Dick Gross wrote to
Premier Steve Bracks earlier this year complaining that the
department had never taken “successful enforcement action against
an illegal brothel”.

Cr Gross said last night he was pleased the Lord Mayor was
taking up the issue.

But the Australian Adult Entertainment Industry, the group
representing legal brothels and escort agencies, dismissed the Lord
Mayor’s response as “half-baked”.